Anxiety is an Old Friend of Mine

I am so unbelievably stressed out.  There is so much going on at this point-in-time that I want to disappear. 

I found out late last night that my uncle had passed away, my boyfriend’s birthday is this weekend which means we are hosting a party, it is Cambodian New Year, and there is a technical issue at work that I have been appointed to resolve while filling in for the unreliable receptionist.  This is the third day I have had to cover the front office.  On average, I am expected to fill in for the receptionist once a week.

 Right now, I am on edge and trying really hard not to explode. 

When I my cousin contacted me last night about my uncle, she was being very authoritative.  She was telling me that the funeral will be this weekend.  I would like to point out that my uncle who had just passed is not her dad.  I asked my cousin, who seems to know everything, how a temple is going to have a funeral during Cambodian New Year?  She quickly changed her tone and said that she will call her mom in the morning to confirm the details.  I called my step-mom.  She and my dad were on the road to get to the hospital.  My dad is the sibling that organizes and coordinates everything amongst his siblings.  I guess that kind of burden is hereditary.  It is my understanding that my uncle was visiting Cambodia and became ill while he was there.  He had been there for a month.  The issue is that he was on a 24 hour plane ride at his weakest point.  I have so many mix emotions about this situation.  He should have been flown back earlier or waited until he was strong enough to fly.

Impulsiveness is a shared characteristic amongst Cambodians.  My impulsiveness occurs around make-up.  I love colors and the creativity behind it.

My boyfriend, rightfully so, is excited about this weekend.  I just feel bad that I don’t have the strength to put on a brave.  All I want to do is curl up into the fetal position and cry.  Most of his friends lack empathy.  Insecurities are their ammunition which is ironic since they aren’t doing particularly well.  The few that are doing well are the ones whose company I truly enjoy. 

As for work, it is always a mess.  Most of the time, the mess could have been prevented or mitigated in a more efficient manner but change is a frown upon in the office.  I wouldn’t care about the stress that comes with my job if I felt what I was doing was meaningful or satisfying.  My frustration comes from the fact that I have a college education and doing the job of and being compensated for a high school entry level position.  I don’t learn anything and feel that my tasks and responsibilities are menial. 

I can feel myself become lethargic so I had to put everything down into the words so I can process my feelings.  Now, I need a game plan.  I need to make a list of everything I need to do so I don’t get lost in my emotions. 

Anxiety is an old friend of mine, whom of which I do not want to see this weekend.